A while back I was sad to learn that more and more French women are saying non to topless bathing. Well, today I read that more and more French men are having to say oui to Speedos.

Now, call me a body fascist if you must, but I’ve always been of the opinion that the only people who can really carry off the Speedo look are the people that look was designed for. Professional swimmers.

Lifeguards drag you from the pool demanding you return in something skimpier.

Apparently, the French don’t agree. An article in the Guardian today notes how

“In French public pools, from the racing lanes of Paris to the open-air lidos and water parks of the south, anything bigger than Speedos is banned and you must hoist yourself into a posing pouch as a civic requirement. French changing rooms are littered with the broken dreams of prudish males abroad who thought they could sneak in a few lengths without showing their contours.”

This rule is policed by lifeguards who reportedly drag you from the pool and demand you return in something skimpier than swimming shorts.

When questioned over this speedo law, Emmanuel Dormois, a head pool attendant in Paris’s 11th arrondissement said it was simply for hygiene, as shorts can be worn all day whereas trunks can’t.

Ironically, this article appeared only a couple of days after Alton Towers announced a ban on “hunks in trunks”. Highlighting once again how differently Anglo Saxon and Latin cultures look at life. In the press release that announced the banishment of the bulge, the management of the UK’s largest theme park stated:

“To prevent embarrassment among fellow members of the public and to maintain the family friendly atmosphere at the resort, bosses have taken the extreme measure of banning these tight trunks from their popular waterpark located within the Splash Landings Hotel… the style itself is not deemed public or family friendly, and therefore we are requesting that male swimmers wear more appropriate styles such as boardshorts.”

And if that weren’t draconian enough, the it continues release:

“The resort is also considering introducing mandatory bikini waxing for men, in a bid to prevent unsightly hair from being on display.”

Ouch! When it’s a choice between hygiene and dignity, Alton Towers goes for the dirtier, more painful option.

At the end of my post on topless bathing, I listed Forbes’s five top topless beaches. If you’re a Speedo wearer and you’re expecting similar treatment, I’m afraid I’m going to have to disappoint. There are still plenty of places you can strut your stuff. As far as I know, Alton Tower’s ban hasn’t been copied anywhere else. Still, better safe than sorry. If you’re wedded to your thong, best not to make a splash in water parks.